Before I lost my hero dad, I had no idea grief would make me feel fatigued and hollow. There were many days I thought, “I can’t do this” or “I can’t face this.”
And then, I thought about my mom.
The strength I see in my mom is beyond what I imagine possible. Dad was her best friend. For 55 years, they did life and ministry together. Now, she is alone.
It happened when I was flying to Houston alone. The older I get, the less brave I feel flying alone.
I have to be on high alert, always listening and keeping completely aware of my surroundings. The airlines change gates and delay flights. And there I sit at a gate, alone and having to find a way to adapt. Girl, it is flat out draining.
I didn’t use to, but now I fight anxiety every time I fly alone. (Oh, in case you are a new reader, I am blind. That’s why flying alone is more challenging.)
When I landed in Dallas to change planes, an assistant from the airlines walked me to my gate. There I sat — eating some string cheese I had tucked in my backpack. As I waited, I sipped from my water bottle and prayed for bladder grace. (When you’re blind, you can’t just walk to the ladies room any old time you need to!)
“Jennifer, you are just so confident.” I cannot even begin to tell you how many times some wonderful woman has said that to me. Every time it happens, I cringe on the inside and think, Yeah, right! Girl, I’ve got no real confidence. Me?
I over-think everything and it leads to insecurities, fears, and self-doubt… but, confidence? Not so much. When women tell me how confident I am, what they are really commenting on is courage.
Courage. Confidence. Do you realize how often those two concepts are mistaken for each other?
One of the highlights of my whole entire life was getting to pet lion cubs in South Africa! Yes, I got to get down on the ground with those cute little… well, chunky… big guys! They were just 6-month-old cubs and they were sleepy from the warm sun and their full bellies after lunch! I got to cradle their huge paws in my hands and stroke their ears!
They were so docile and sweet – as cuddly and compliant as a harmless stuffed animal in a baby’s crib!!
They aren’t always going to be so docile and snuggly. Nope. If I had hung out in their den for even another hour, giving them time to wake up from their naps, they would have been intimidating. And, if I gave them even a few weeks or months, they would eventually become snarly and fierce beasts that any sane adult should avoid.
What do you need more… courage or compliments?
Think about it. Which one boosts you and buoys you? Which one gives you what you need to take the next step or do the next right thing?
For me, it’s courage that I need. Compliments are nice, really nice, but courage does something in me that is bigger and stronger.
I got a lovely tea chest full of interesting and exotic teas.
I was anxious to sample all of them. After all, all I usually drink is black tea. Boring black tea – the blacker, the better. But this tea trunk had Chai in it. “Hmmm…” I thought, “sophisticated people drink this stuff. Perhaps, I’m uncultured to not drink this stuff.”
