4:13 Podcast: Can I Embrace the Simple Practice of Hospitality? With Karen Ehman [Episode 149]

Jennifer Rothschild: In this day and age, when technology lets us be everywhere and nowhere all at once, how connected really are we? Have we gotten so comfortable behind our screens that we're uncomfortable with being face to face across our tables? Well, today we're going to get back to basics and we're going to refresh the why and the how of simple hospitality. Author Karen Ehman, she's going to help us abandon pressure and stress to make room for connections and relationships. So pull up a chair and enjoy this whimsical and wise conversation.

K.C. Wright: Welcome to the 4:13 Podcast, where practical encouragement and biblical wisdom set you up to live the "I can" life, because you can do all things through Christ, who strengthens you. Now, your host and my friend, my sister, Jennifer Rothchild.

Jennifer Rothschild: Hey, everybody. That was my seeing eye guy, K.C., and we are just here to help you be and do more than you feel capable of as you live this "I can" life of Philippians 4:13. It really is true, you can do all things through Christ, who gives you strength. And that means some of you might feel a little intimidated about hospitality, and you're going to learn today you can do all things. That means even invite people inside your house. And I got to say it, I had to finally clean my house, because finally people can visit now. You know, vaccination means vacuuming, that's just the bottom line. So lots of us feel the pressure, though, let's be honest, you know, to be Pinterest perfect when it comes to letting people in our house and to entertain, or hospitality, whatever. But Karen is going to help us today with that. But for me -- I got to be honest -- the best thing about the pandemic, it lowered the standard, you know, and the pressure. I'm like, just come, just come.

K.C. Wright: That's right. What I love is that in Karen's book she has checklists -- and I live by the old checklist -- and she's got recipes and checklists to help the most insecure and the least domestically inclined.

Jennifer Rothschild: Domestically inclined, I like that. You know, I'm going to give you -- speaking of domestically inclined, I'm not super domestically inclined when it comes to cooking, but I am going to give you, my friends, my very favorite recipe for frozen yogurt.

K.C. Wright: Oh, OK.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes. I made it for 4th of July. It's my pinkberry frozen yogurt. Now, it's not really the Pinkberry recipe -- for those of you who know the Pinkberry yogurt store, it's not the recipe. But y'all, I have tweaked this and worked this and it tastes as good as Pinkberry. So I'm going to have a link for that on the show notes for you.

K.C. Wright: My mouth is watering. And that's worth checking out right there. OK? I'm telling you, Jen can cook. You really can.

Jennifer Rothschild: Well, decent.

K.C. Wright: Remember that one day for lunch, you made some kind of stir fry thing.

Jennifer Rothschild: I did. I can do a stir fry.

K.C. Wright: It was, like, magical.

Jennifer Rothschild: Oh. Well, thank you, K.C.

K.C. Wright: It was delicious.

Jennifer Rothschild: I think your standards are low, too.

K.C. Wright: Let me introduce our girl Karen. Karen Ehman is a New York Times best-selling author; speaker with Proverbs 31 Ministries; and a writer for Encouragement for Today, an online devotional that reaches -- get this -- over four million women daily. She has authored 15 books and has been featured on lots of media outlets. But today she is a 4:13er, and she and Jennifer are talking about her book "Reach Out, Gather In: 40 Days of Opening Your Heart and Home." This sounds so good, right?

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah.

K.C. Wright: So here's Karen and Jennifer.

Jennifer Rothschild: Karen, I am glad we're talking about this topic. Because for some of us inviting people into our homes is really natural, but for others, like, no way. So why do you think that some of us hesitate, you know, to invite people into our homes?

Karen Ehman: Oh, it can probably be best summed up in four letters: HGTV. You know, we see all these experts out there and we think we have to do it like them. We think we have to have a beautifully decorated big new home with shiplap on the walls -- not that I'm against shiplap, I love me some shiplap -- and we have to have fancy foods and well-behaved children and everything just needs to be picture perfect. And really, that's what the world calls entertaining, that's not really what the Bible calls hospitality. So I think because we see these images of perfection -- and not just there. I shouldn't be beating up on HDTV. I actually love that channel -- but, you know, we see it on social media. We see all these images of perfection and then we come up with all kinds of excuses like, well, my house isn't big, I can't cook fancy food. I don't know how to clean well or decorate well. And so we just kind of internally talk ourselves out of offering hospitality because we think if we can't do it like the experts and all the people we see on Instagram, then we're not going to do it at all.

Jennifer Rothschild: isn't that true? If we can't reach that standard, then we just won't do it. I've been there. And one of the things that's interesting about what we've all experienced with Covid is -- I think it's made me rethink my standards. And I'm like, hey, just come, just come in. Put on a mask and gloves and come. But why don't you give us -- because I think this will help us. What is a real right understanding of what hospitality is? So it's not performing with the perfect meal and home. What is biblical hospitality?

Karen Ehman: Yeah. Worldly entertaining -- not that it's always wrong to entertain. I don't want to be knocking that. But the concept of entertaining that we think of seeks to put the emphasis on you and impressing your guests. And hospitality is the exact opposite. It doesn't seek to impress people. It puts the emphasis on them and seeks to refresh them, to give them a place where they can just unwind and be themselves. You know, I really love to think of it as just allowing them to pull up a chair and life and join you in your regular ordinary life, nothing fancy about it. And if we go to Scripture, the word "hospitality" is kind of a combination of two Greek words in the New Testament, which means -- the first one is "love of," and then "strangers." And people in general, but specifically it has a little bit of a shade of strangers. So it's simply, in my book, loving everyone, strangers and friends, and loving strangers until they become friends. You know, putting that emphasis on just giving them a place where they can relax and unwind and feel like they are noticed, they are welcomed, and they are loved.

Jennifer Rothschild: And isn't that what we all want, and that we can be a part of that for someone else. Reminds me of something that I read in your book, and I'm curious about how this might apply. So let's talk about soul sharing. What do you mean by that?

Karen Ehman: Well, in today's culture, I think we spend lots of time each day -- way more than in decades past -- connecting with people all day long. But it's through a screen. We're touching, we're tapping, we're liking, we're hearting, we're smiley facing, you know. And you feel like, at the end of the day, wow, I've really connected with a lot of people, but it's all just been an inch deep and a mile wide, you know, just on the surface. We've somehow gotten to the place where we think that is what connecting with other people and having friends is, just touching screens. So we spend a lot more time touching screens than touching lives. And soul sharing, it goes deeper. It's really getting to know that other person, leaning in and listening, hearing their likes, their dislikes, what concerns they have in their lives, what hopes and dreams they have, what makes them happy. I like to think of it as, you know, what makes them tick -- what tickles them and what ticks them off, you know. Really getting to know them as a person, not just the persona that they put out on Facebook. Not that I'm against social media. I have it. I have all of them. I love it.

Jennifer Rothschild: Sure.

Karen Ehman: But it's not real connection. Soul sharing goes deeper. And actually, the reason I became a Christian was because when I was 16 years old, a woman in our neighborhood, who was the new pastor's wife up at the little country church on the corner, she did this to me. She first reached out to me as a lonely teenager living in a broken home. And she saw me out in the front yard throwing up a softball by myself and she invited me to join the church softball team. But she didn't just invite me to the softball team and later to the youth group, she invited me into her home and she just listened. She just leaned in and listened and got to know this teenager that was full of anxiety, full of worry for the future, and she helped me to process life and she pointed me to Jesus. And so we shared on a level that wasn't just a, "Hi, how are ya?" or a tap, tap, tap on the screen, I checked in with you today, but really sharing your deepest -- your desires, your longings, your fears, and your joys.

Jennifer Rothschild: Well, when we -- that really only can happen, what you're describing, when there is a sitting across from each other at the table or beside each other on the couch. And some women would be more intimidated than your pastor's wife was. So what if a woman says, you know, I don't have that gift of hospitality -- because we read in Scripture that hospitality is a gift. So tell me what role spiritual gifts play in this.

Karen Ehman: We all have been not only given different spiritual gifts, but also different passions, different likes, different talents. And I've seen so many women over the years use their different passions and talents and spiritual gifts to encourage and love and serve others. It doesn't have to always look like you're talking to a friend who loves to get to know people. It can just be your simple gift of baking and you, you know, have them over because you just baked a fresh batch of muffins and you're going to just sit down and visit and make them feel welcome and naturally fold them into your life. I remember another woman at that same church. I would hang out at her house, but she was very quiet. She was very wise and she was very prayerful, but she wasn't real chattery like I am. I mean, I can do a whole hour with no topic. I just never stop talking. But she was really quiet. But you know what? I would sit with her and I would -- I remember this so vividly. I would help her fold her laundry while her little children played around our feet. And we would sometimes just watch TV together. But I would sit there eating her muffins, you know, sipping on something to drink and just being part of her life. And she always asked me before I left, "How can I be praying for you?" That's about really the only words that she said. You know, we just kind of just hung out together and didn't talk a lot, we just were spending time in the same room. But she was consistent in asking me how she could pray, then she would pray with me right then. And then she would check up with me later. You know, if she would see me during the midweek of church, she'd say, you know, "How's that situation going?" or, "How did your exam go in biology that you were worried about?" And so her gift, you know, was more along the lines of prayer. And I can think of other people I know in my current-day life who have passions for maybe, you know, painting and wallpapering, and they'll come to their friend's house with all the supplies and they'll dive in and they'll help them. They kind of take their hospitality on the road, making that person feel noticed and wanted and helping them out with something in their home. I think we need to stop looking at other people and wishing secretly that we had their gifts, and instead really drill down deep and see how has God wired us, what are our passions, our desires, our dreams, our talents, and our spiritual gifts, and take that unique package and begin to use it to serve others.

Jennifer Rothschild: You've described -- in almost everything I've asked you, your answer has involved some version of this answer of making people feel known and seen. And I appreciate that, Karen, because no matter how we're wired, we can do that. One of the things that I like too in your book is you have very practical solution for those times when we're feeling, you know, like we're the ones who lack purpose. We just can't seem to get our groove. And you tell us to go find our old self. So explain that.

Karen Ehman: Yes. This is a concept that just kind of came about in my life because of that woman I was mentioning that saw me throwing the softball by myself. When I was a teenager living in a broken home and worried about my future, I would pour my heart out to her, and she knew exactly what to say to me because she had been through all of those things herself in her life. And fast forward to when I was a mom with teenagers, there were often kids that would come in my house and sit at my kitchen island eating massive amounts of pizza and snacks. And several of them were from divorced homes where they were spending one week with one parent and then the next week with the next parent, and I knew exactly how that felt. And so in a way I was going back in time and finding my old self and offering that person love and care and welcome and hospitality in my home. So I encourage people, think back on a time in your life where you went through a season where you needed God to comfort you. And I think of Scripture when it talks about, you know, how God comforts us so that we in turn can comfort others with the comfort we've received from him. And so were you once a person that moved cross country and you knew no one, you knew no one except a couple people at work. But you hadn't met anyone in your neighborhood, hadn't gotten settled in a church, and you just felt really lonely. Well, do you know someone like that in your neighborhood? Go find that person and do something to make their day. And in a strange way it ends up making your day as well. Or if you're -- you know, it can be a simple thing. If you're in the grocery store and all of a sudden you happen across a mom who's got a crying baby, a screaming toddler who's pulling stuff off the shelves, you know, don't roll your eyes at them and say, well, my children never behaved like that. You know they did.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes, they did.

Karen Ehman: You know they did. Instead, you know, I like to just go up to that mom and slip her a $10 bill and say, Hey, mom, on the way home get yourself a latte and some little snack for the kids in the back seat. You're doing a very important work. Hang in there. You've got this. Because, you know, I once was the mom in the grocery store with all the screaming kids and, you know, I wish back then, you know, that sweet little old ladies with blue hair didn't roll their eyes at me and say, My kids never did that. But I don't have -- I'm not quite to that stage yet of having blue hair yet. But, you know, just think of a time when you needed God to comfort you and when you were in a situation that was tough and seek out someone. I even think of this in a larger way -- I have a friend --our small group leader, Michael, he was once bound by alcoholism and the Lord brought him out of that. He went back to his old self. He's now founded a nonprofit, a halfway house for men who are caught in alcoholism. He truly went back and found his old self. So it can be a big undertaking like that or it can be just being on the lookout for that person in the grocery store, that new neighbor or whoever that is in a situation that you once were and needs to know that they're seen and that God loves them.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah, it just heightens our awareness. And one of the things that you mentioned earlier was the example of, like, a friend taking her wallpaper supplies on the road. You said something like taking hospitality on the road. So let's talk about that. Can we take our hospitality outside of our four walls?

Karen Ehman: Absolutely. If you can think of any place where people need to feel welcomed and noticed. It might be -- I remember an example from my life, the sidelines of the soccer field where a new family has just joined the travel team and they don't know anybody. And it's a, you know, chilly spring day, you know, show up with some hot cocoa and say, Hey, welcome to the team. I brought you some hot cocoa. And, you know, It's kind of cold in our neck of the woods here, but, you know, welcome to our town, welcome to the team. Or maybe there's somebody new at work, or maybe you can even show some love and hospitality to people that are marginalized. I think about the concept of loving our neighbor as ourselves. And, you know, I love myself enough to make sure that I have proper hygiene products and smelly lotions that smell like fruit and wonderful, you know, vanilla things. Maybe I can drop some supplies off to a local battered women's shelter so that they too can have their basic needs met with something that's a little more fun than just plain old soap. You know, there are a lot of places around our communities where we can show love and welcome and let people know that they're noticed.

Jennifer Rothschild: Karen, one of the things that I'm struck by with this conversation is these things are doable and easy, but often we don't do them. And I don't think it's just because we're intimidated sometimes to invite someone into our home, I think it's sometimes we're nervous to invite someone into our lives. Maybe the vulnerability of it makes us feel uncomfortable. Maybe we have what I'll loosely call gift anxiety. Well, would they really want this? Would they really need this? What if they're -- what if they can't eat gluten and I make them muffins? We can talk ourselves out of anything. So what would you say to those of us who might be super aware of how vulnerable it feels to invite others into our lives? Not just our homes, but really hospitalities into our lives. What would you say to that woman who feels super uncomfortable with the vulnerability?

Karen Ehman: Well, you know, the Bible says that we're supposed to practice hospitality. And when I think of the concept of practicing, it means that you started out at a starting point of zero, you knew nothing. You know, think about back when you -- for me, I took piano lessons. I don't know at all how to play piano. But I had to start, I had to practice, I'd have to start with something simple. And I think it's the same way with hospitality. If you think of hospitality as flinging open your front door and inviting ten people in for a home-cooked meal from scratch, you're not going to do it. So start small and just look for little ways you can practice. It might just be one friend that you take out for coffee. You don't even do it in your home. You meet them at a local coffee house and together you sip and you share and you try to get to know them a little bit better. Just think of a place where you do feel comfortable, and a person with whom you do feel at ease, and start there. And from that you're going to be practicing. You're going to be building -- it's like building a muscle. It's going to get easier and easier over time. Don't take on something grand, just take on something very simple with someone that you know well. Hospitality doesn't have to always mean strangers, it can mean just simply reaching out to your best friend.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah. Good word. Good word. And what we practice, we become proficient at and we become more comfortable with and we grow in confidence. All right, girl, we've got to end with something that I loved, Second Grant. OK? So you got to tell us about this story and the impact it had on you.

Karen Ehman: Yes, my son, my youngest, when he was in high school, he had a bunch of football player friends that used to come to our house all the time. Sometimes I would not even know that they had arrived at my house. I was in my home office working on a book or, you know, taking care of emails or whatever, and I would walk out into my front foyer, on my way to the kitchen to get some more coffee, and I would notice this huge pile of shoes. And about that time, my son would bound up the stairs from the mancave in the basement where they were all playing video games or watching a football game or whatever, and I'd look at him and I'd always say the same thing, "Oh, hey, you're home. Who'd you bring with you?" And he would start rattling off a bunch of names, you know, Jabari and Emilio and Antonio and Grant and the other Grant. I called them First and Second Grant. And these boys just hung out at our house over and over again weekend after weekend. Well, I was in the process of working on a message to give in person at events, that eventually ended up becoming this book, "Reach Out, Gather In," and I knew that another time I could work without, you know, feeling like I was taking time away from my family was early on Saturday mornings. I would get up, I'd take my laptop out by the fireplace and I would work. And I could put in a good, you know, three or four hours by getting up early on Saturday because I knew the boys wouldn't be up until about 10 o'clock and want some breakfast. Except for Second Grant. He was an early riser. And he would bound up those stairs, he'd plop himself on the couch next to me and say, "Hey, Miss Karen, whatcha doing?" And I'd think, I'm trying to write a book about noticing people and making them feel loved, if you would leave me alone. You know, seriously, Jennifer, it was like -- I just want to cry. It was like the Lord said, Oh, I get it, Karen. You want to give the message, you just don't want to live the message. And so -- you know, God can be so bossy sometimes. So I would shut my laptop and I would visit with him. He loved coconut mocha coffee. So do I. It's my favorite flavor. So we would sit and have a cup of coconut mocha coffee and I got to know his background. I didn't know him real well. He had just moved here from another state. I'd kind of stalked him on social media. Wasn't quite sure if I wanted my son hanging around him, but I thought, you know, as long as he's in our house, it's fine, but I don't know if I'd let my son go to his house because of some things I saw. But I just got to know him as a person. I made him feel noticed. I made him feel loved. We drank tons of coffee. And then one day several months -- it was probably nine months later -- in the spring he said to me, "Miss Karen, what are you and Mr. Todd doing the third weekend in March?" And I thought it was because some big sports event was on and they wanted my famous corn chowder to eat during the game. And I said, "Oh, why? You know, what's the game? Let me look. Oh, no, yeah, I'm not out speaking, I'm home. Why? What's going on? What do you need me to make?" And he said, "I don't need you to make anything. I'm not talking about sports." And then he said this. He said, "I wanted to let you know that I have accepted Christ and I'm going to be baptized that day and I want you there in the front row." And I thought, oh, my word, I almost missed it. You know, God does the saving. It had nothing to do with me. But I dug into the back story a little bit, saw that a youth pastor had reached out to him and told him some of the same sermons. You know, they always knew they could get a bowl of corn chowder with a side of Mama Karen's sermons at my house, you know, But they would listen because they liked my food. But I sat there that day and I not only saw him get baptized, but his brother and his mother. And, you know, that whole story makes me think of when we get to heaven someday, you know, I don't think God's going to say, you know, how successful were you in your career or even, you know, how stellar of children did you raise. I really think he's going to say something more along the lines of what I say to my son when I see that pile of shoes there on my landing on my stairs, "Oh, hey, you're home. Who'd you bring with you?" Who'd you bring with you, that's what it's all about. Our mission in life is to have a relationship with God and then have relationships with others so we can tell them how they too can know God so that we can take as many people to heaven as we can by sharing the Gospel and seeing them respond.

K.C. Wright: OK, this grown man with a beard may have cried during her story. I'll just say this, my eyes are watering a bit --

Jennifer Rothschild: I know. I get it, I get it.

K.C. Wright: -- about Second Grant. OK? What a beautiful reminder of why we reach out and gather in. Hospitality matters because people matter.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes. Gosh, well said. I'm telling you, I felt like this was such a good back to basics welcoming conversation for us to have today. So let's open our hearts and let's open our homes and love people well.

K.C. Wright: We've got one of her books to give away to you right now on Instagram. Go to Jennifer's Insta profile @jenrothchild to enter to win. And you've got to follow her there, daily inspiration and encouragement. And also go to the show notes at 413podcast.com/149 to read some excerpts from Karen's book and find a link right there to buy it there, too.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah. And you know what else I'll have there?

K.C. Wright: What? Oh, hello.

Jennifer Rothschild: My frozen --

K.C. Wright: Yes.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes. You already forgot my frozen yogurt recipe? OK, seriously, our people, we love you so much. And so remember, no matter how you feel or what your house looks like or how confident you feel about hospitality, you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength? I can.

K.C. Wright: I can.

Jennifer Rothschild: And --

Jennifer Rothschild and K.C. Wright: -- you can.

K.C. Wright: Not only are you the female version of me --

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes.

K.C. Wright: -- you're my sister from another mister. But I think we crave the same food items.

Jennifer Rothschild: At the same time.

K.C. Wright: Yeah, I know. We both love Tasia's.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes.

K.C. Wright: Uh-huh. It's a restaurant here in our town.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes, we love it.

K.C. Wright: It's delicious. I could eat there breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah, if they would just open for us at breakfast. I don't know why they don't do that.

K.C. Wright: Why does this podcast make me hungry?

Jennifer Rothschild: I don't know. Because we're sitting in here just -- yeah.

K.C. Wright: Can we get a food sponsor?